YTN,
Eu queria dizer adeus. Acho que nada mais do que isso, só um adeus. Para falar a verdade, eu tentei começar essa carta umas dez vezes desde o primeiro dia de dezembro, talvez menos, talvez mais, mas eu não sabia como. Então eu acho que só vou dizer o básico, e o que eu queria desde o começo, Adeus.
Eu comecei esse ano não esperando nada para falar a verdade. Talvez algumas risadas, talvez alguns momentos ouvindo música no último, mas por motivos bobos, porque eu sou adolescente, e porque os hormônios estão a flor da pele. Pelo menos, é o que dizem.
Eu gosto de pensar que vivi esse ano, o máximo que pude. Quando eu lembro desse ano, eu lembro de risadas inacabaveis, eu lembro de histórias que provavelmente vão ficar comigo para sempre, eu lembro de conversas sérias, e eu lembro de conversas inexplicavelmente inúteis que fizeram minha noite. Eu lembro de uma zoff em que eu decidi aproveitar do jeito que eu não aproveitava haviam 3 anos, e eu lembro de como eu dancei, e ri, e cantei e tive o momento da minha vida. Quando eu lembro desse ano, é como se uma música rápida tocasse enquanto todos esses flashes passassem, e entre uns e outros eu vejo as partes que não foram tão boas.
Eu me vejo no hospital, eu me vejo naquele noite de chuva, sentava no sofá encarando a TV. Eu me vejo olhando para uma janela de vidro, rindo e mandando beijos quando o que eu mais queria era um abraço. Eu me vejo respirando fundo, e com o som no último, mas não pelos motivos que eu esperava.
É gostoso e cansativo olhar para esse ano. Eu brinquei, e eu deixei para lá coisas que não deviam mais importar ha muito tempo. Eu esqueci e eu guardei certas memórias. Eu ri, eu chorei, eu pulei, eu cai e eu dancei.
Você quer a verdade? Eu percebi que você, vem sem aviso e que muitas vezes nos faz tomar decisões as quais podemos nos arrepender pelo resto da vida, ou que podemos querer reviver exatamente a mesma coisa, para ter aquela sensação e aquele sentimento correndo dentro de nós de novo. Você vem, você fica um tempo, e passa.
Deixa marcas, deixa memórias, deixa lembranças, risadas e deixa força. Para um ano novo.
Para um recomeço. Para quando chegar na contagem zero daquele dia, nós queiramos um pouco mais, sonhemos um pouco mais, olhemos para trás e entre gargalhadas e lágrimas, digamos: Eu não mudaria um só minuto.
Então, eu já digo agora, e deixo claro tempo, que eu não posso mudar nada do que aconteceu. E que se pudesse, eu ainda não mudaria.

C.

An end.

The wind came and all you could think, was how cold the night had become. You kept trying to make it hotter and easier to breath, but It didn't work. It didn't get any simpler.
There you were, sitting on a bench, right in front of the hospital, with a full moon staring back at you, with trees whispering to the night. It was calm, in a way you had missed a lot in the last year. And you still couldn't breath. It seemed like there was something stuck in your throat, since the beggining, and you knew that you couldn't let go. Because once you did, there would be too many things lost to be ajusted. And you didn't have time to fix them.
''Hey''.
You had missed that smile. The way it would make you believe everything would be alright, even when it actually wouldn't. Like now.
''Hi''. You tried giving him a smile back, but all you could do was hold back those tears. Those twelve month tears.
'' I'm sorry. You know for...well, you know, don't you?''
''Yeah...I know''.
All you could do was stare at him, hoping for something, for any change in his eyes, like in those old days. Nothing.
When it became too much, you got your stare back at that hospital, where you should be, and where you couldn't stand the thought of going back.
'' I really am sorry, you know. It wasn't on the plans, on anyone plans actually, and I know that it wasn't speacelly on your plans. I wish I could have done something...I wish I could have done anything.''
When you looked again in his eyes, that look was there and before you knew it, he hugged you. He hugged you the way you wanted someone to have hugged you before. He hugged you telling everything you wanted in that hug, the way you wanted someone to have done at some point. He kept whispering how sorry he was, and he wouldn't stop saying how it was time to let go. Time to really let go.
All you did, was hug him back, with all the force you had inside of you. You kept the tears, promissing youself you wouldn't cry, that it wasn't the time, and that it wouldn't be right to do so. He got up to leave, and you got your eyes fixed back to the hospital waiting for him to go.
'' But...it sure was worth it...wasn't it?'' When you finally realised what he was talking about, you half smiled to him,
'' yeah...yeah, it was.''
He left, and you cried.
God, you cried.

Hope.

I don't like showing fear. Doesn't matter what it is, doesn't matter what is involved. Or who is involved.
But there are moments. Moments of weakness, moments that you have to make yourself strong because there are people out there who need you to be strong. Who need you showing that you believe everything will turn out fine even if you are just like him. Even if you are just as scared.
I honestly don't know what makes me strong, or even if I'm strong. The only thing I know is that, when is necessary I show people a confidence I don't really have. I say everything will turn out fine, and I say I am sure that it's gonna be okay, and all I hope is that in the end, this promisse can actually be real. For them; For me.
I can tell you that I saw the whole movie going around my head all over again. I saw the traveling, and I saw the hospital. I saw the way my father hugged me, just like he did when he got home today. I saw the talk, and I heard the way they had to bring her back to life, almost as if for a minute, I had actually lost her. I heard the real story, and I saw that goodbye in my head all over again.
You wanna know the truth? The truth is, whatever happens I will deal with it, just like I did the other times. But the truth, the real truth is that what really scares me, what really makes me fear for the worse is knowing that I could have said more in that call. I could have told her what an incredible person she actually is, and how I hope that someday, I will be able to be at least half of what she is. I fear for our last conversation being me saying that everything will turn out fine and that is it. Sending her kisses and my prayers.
Because right now, all I can think about is her laugh. Or the way she talks, or the way she would be able to teach me something everyday, doesn't matter if she freaking finished her studies or not. The way she would try to teach me how to cook, just to see how I am horrible unless it comes to her pizzas. The way she would tell me stories from her childhood, or how her father came to Brasil.
To tell you the truth, another one as you can see, I hate show people how I am feeling, the way I am doing now. I hate the feeling of how weak I am and how I am being dramatic. But for her, I will show it again, and again. Because she deserves it. She deserves me hoping to see her one last time, and hoping to talk to her one last time. She deserves the way I will be sitting in that damn hospital for as long as I have to, until I need to leave because I am too smeally. Until I can see her. Even if it is just from a window.
I know it's too much hopes that I am asking for. But I don't care, because I will have hope until I can't anymore. Because she deserves us hoping for her. She deserves me hoping for her.
Because, once you see fear where you never expected; Once you see fear, in your father's eyes, all you can do is hope.
And that is what I will keep doing. Hoping.