sexta-feira, 11 de junho de 2010

Dear Juliet,

I am not sure what this means. And I am not sure what I am doing here. I don't know why I am doing this, but I felt I had to.
People usually laugh when I tell them this, but when I was four or five, I would watch as much as I could my parent's marriage. It was either The little mermaid, or that old tape. Thing is, the reason I watched it wasn't for the romance. I loved the music - It wasn't the usual, traditional one - it had a soft beat. I loved how everytime I was watching it, my mother would start telling about what the hell had that woman done with her hair - There were flowers everywhere. I loved to watch how the groom - my father - would look at the bride - my mother. That look is what kept me on my feet fifteen years later. Because of that tape, every time I am at a wedding I can't help but look at the groom at the end of the aisle in the very moment the bride comes in. Doesn't matter how silly it is, or it means. It's actually the only part of the wedding I like - when they look at each other in a way where there's only both in the room with a lifetime time waiting for them.
I read once that love is being able to listen the laugh during the storm. That love, is when your half wears different kinds of socks and you find it adorable. That, love, is when you lick the whole yogurt and he laughs at you, licking it off of your nose. That love is when two flowers open, when the sky turns dark and when the rain falls and the two halfs keep themselves as one. At some point, that sounded simple. Hard, but simple.
I have only been in love once.
Did I tell you how much I love Ice Cream? I love Ice Cream. I call it the food of Gods. My favorite is flocus. Ice Cream is like my pizza - I can't not have it - But it's more necessary. I don't feel always the need to have it - like I do with pizza - but when I am not okay, it's what makes everything better.
I loved him more than Flocus' Ice Cream. I loved the way he smiled, I loved the way he talked, I loved the way I felt when he was around even if I never admited out loud. I loved how everything felt alright just with him being close. I loved the feeling of being in love at the same time I hated. I loved him.
But loving someone isn't enough sometimes. Sometimes it's just a feeling and even though it hurts so much, you have to make yourself let go. And I did. It actually felt good. I could look at him and don't feel anything, at all. I could pass by him and not need to look into his eyes. My heart wouldn't beat so fast anymore. My hands didn't sweat so much every time he was near. I could keep myself together with no problem.
Thing is, time passed and I forgot what the feeling of being in love is. I know what happens, and what I will probably feel if it happens again, but I don't remember the feeling. I can't replay it in my head anymore. I can't know exactly what it is like to be in love anymore. And I miss that. I miss the smiles and I miss the stealing looks. I miss what those things meant. I miss what those things would make happen inside of me. I miss the butterflies. And today, I am so full of walls, I don't actually let myself feel those things anymore. I protect myself. And this...well, this is wrong.
I felt that kind of love one day. It may have been platonic, but I did. The kind that keeps you going. That makes you wanna go to school to see his eyes one more time. The kind that, just to think of him with someone else, you feel something you never thought you could. The kind that you would do everything to have just one more conversation with him. One more smile. One more hug.
So, I guess I admire you, Juliet. Cause, at the same time you can be everything I hate, you are also everything I hope in people. You didn't give up. You didn't stop yourself. People are so afraid of loving today, of getting hurt, or of hurting people, that they simply forget to feel. To let go. To give themselves a chance. To let themselves fall in love. To give time for it to happen.
I once heard that in the end, you won't think about all the money you made, or how you had the perfect job. You will think about who was by your side. And, probably, that is true.
For that, here is the thing - I still believe in love. Maybe not the happilly ever after, but I believe in love. It got hard for me at one point to believe, It just didn't feel real anymore. When everything around you falls apart, and you are still alone (in that kind of way), it's not easy to keep believing. But I do. I believe that there are people who love each other and I believe that, even though thinking there is someone out there who completes you is a complete lie - No one should carry such a heavy position in your life - I believe that there are people who complement the other; People that are already complete without needing anyone to do that and when they find someone, that person is a plus. I believe people who have a world of chances to someone else.
I believe giving youself a chance is always valid. And I believe that it's never too late. I believe you have to tell the people you love that you do love them, before it's too late, doesn't matter if that makes you feel vulnerable. I believe second chances won't hold itselfs there forever and you have to grab it before it's too late. I believe 'too late' and 'What if' are things that will mean a lifetime of questions if you don't give it a chance. I believe heartbreaks are worth it when it means you at least tried. I believe sometimes you have to take the risk or else the line creep up on you, and before you know it, you are standing on the other side. I believe belief is necessary. I believe being careful is important. I believe that those novel things - of marrying after only being together for weeks, because they believe they found their soulmates - is crap. I believe love has its own time.
Most important, I believe I love Yous are forever. People change, feelings change, but when you loved someone once, it's there. A different kind of love, but its still love.
I believe that you don't need to always think about tomorrow or what it means when you are with someone. I believe in just being there, and smelling his cologne and remembering his taste.
I believe goodbyes sometimes are necessary.
I believe writting a letter to someone who does not exist is - crazy - but something that makes you look around and see things maybe a little better.
I believe I will have my evangeline. I believe happy endings or magnifics endings don't make a story the best ever told. And despite everything, I believe the greatest story ever told, is our own.


domingo, 6 de junho de 2010


Quando eu era pequena, eu nunca havia entendido muito bem porque alguém gostaria do para sempre. Muito menos, porque alguém desejaria o para sempre. Eu lembro de sempre esperar pelo novo, por algo que surpreendesse e que tornasse os dias ainda mais inesperados. O que eu percebo hoje é que, para mim, naquela época, o para sempre estava incluido, eu só nunca me dei conta de que ele estava lá.
O tempo passou e de repente, o para sempre, se tornou necessário. Como algo que precisava continuar lá e que nunca mudaria. Que se manteria. Por mais piegas que isso soe.
A verdade? Eu quero o para sempre. Eu não quero lembrar que o amanhã vem, e que o hoje não será para sempre. Que, em dez anos, tudo pode mudar. Ou então em um mês; seis meses.
Eu quero as risadas para sempre. Eu quero o mato, eu quero os churrascos, eu quero as brincadeiras de bobinho, eu quero a correria, eu quero os tombos, eu quero fugir de vacas e touros, eu quero os jogos de final de ano, eu quero o caderno, eu quero as salas de aula, eu quero a godiva e eu quero os cinemas. Eu quero as festas que fazem com que eu me sinta um completo peixe fora d'água, eu quero as apresentações, eu quero as brincadeiras, as viagens, minha família. Para sempre.
Eu quero as coisas que me fizeram, me definiram, aqui, do meu lado. Eu quero olhar para trás e vê-las e eu quero olhar para frente e continuar sendo capaz de vê-las. Eu não quero o incerto. Eu quero aquilo que faz com que eu me sinta em casa. Eu não tenho medo do futuro. Mas, nesse momento, eu não quero o futuro.
Eu quero o Para Sempre. Eu quero que o tempo se mantenha. Eu não quero que ele passe. Eu quero o Pó mágico. Peter Pan? Sininho? Alguém?