terça-feira, 25 de janeiro de 2011

Easier to say in another language.

There is something you should probably know about you. Whenever you smile, so do your eyes. Every time, with no fail. You talk a lot when face to face, which kind of gives away the fact that, so do you, hate awkward silences and, sometimes, when I am talking, you will look at me as if you aren't listening anything I am saying, what ends up being true, when you keep looking at me and a minute later ask "I am sorry, what?" which can be funny, but also make me think I said something stupid and nonsense. You have this way when looking at someone that makes me want you to keep looking and, now and then, it ends up with a dance and shy smile. It actually amazes me, how you don't care what other people think or how, maybe, you are just very good at pretending you don't care. And you are nice, simply nice, with everyone at any time.
So, now, here is something about me - Fifteen days ago, I went crazy with my own thoughts. With those thoughts about you that I just described. I found myself thinking I could, possibly, be in love. With you. The guy all girls want and scream for. The guy who, definitly soon, will leave, because he will get to live incredible things, since he is working so hard for that. For that reason, fifteen days ago, I found myself in complete fright. How could I have done that, again? Why would I always put myself into that? When would I get to actually learn, and stop falling for the bad boy? I got mad at myself. I got mad at myself when I felt upset that you wouldn't come talk to me, like always. I got mad at myself for wanting another message from you, telling me, you wanted us to go out. I got mad at myself, because I didn't control my feelings for you, like I should have, like I warned myself, seven months ago, when we actually started talking. Because I knew that, at some point, I wouldn't know how to difference things anymore and even so, I kept myself talking to you. And then, all I could think was how it took me two years to forget the other guy, and how hard it was, how I didn't want that, and how I was tired of being that girl, the one who has to forget. So, I did what I do best - I pushed you away and everything that would remind me of you. My phone was in a place I couldn't find and, whenever you were online, I would log off. I couldn't be the one waiting anymore. And I couldn't be the one reading your tweets, seeing that, probably, you were into another girl, or flirting with all the girls you are always flirting with. So, I forced myself to let go, while I still could. Before you got to be able to make my hands sweat and shake, and my heart to beat in a way I always thought it was freaky. I forced reason on myself, because I could not...I can not be the girl with the broken heart anymore.
Even so, here is what you should know - You are worth it. The hope and the fear, and even the pain, because you are actually incredible and to be in love with someone like you, would make much more sense than to be in love with who I once was. But, I can't no longer be the girl who waits. I simply can't. I can't be the girl hoping you will notice her, or hoping you will call only me and no one else. I can't be the girl waiting for a text message, or thinking there might be a chance. Because I know that you will find someone soon enough. Because I know that, maybe, you already have. Because I want to mean when I say I am happy for you. Because I don't want being happy for you to be hard and painful, like it happened once with that guy. Because we learn when to let go and I learned that already. Because I am no longer fifteen years old, and I don't think everything is supposed to fall into place. I know that. Because, once I hear a song and think of you, things will be screwed. For me. Because I have come to terms to when I should use my reason and when use my heart. Because I know this is not ideal, but things are never ideal. Because being surrounded by people who have the feeling you looked for, back, when yours never is, is tiring. Because all of us, people, we are messy. And life is always making it more messy for us without us even asking for it. Because life happens.
Fifteen days later, I found myself not in love with you. I don't know if I were, but I know that, at some point, I would be. And I couldn't let that happen. At least, not now. So, I did the other thing I do best - I fought against it. What I think is funny about that, is the fact that my head almost got me crazy. Silence can drive us crazy, because it can be unbelievably loud. And, sometimes, only you can hear it. And its usually worse when you can't actually say what you are thinking, because you don't want to admit you are thinking what you are thinking.
I don't have time to be the broken girl right now. And, even though grandma always says that, at some point, it has to be right, I know that, for now, it's not. And I can't let this disappointment to grow into something bigger; something deeper. It has to end here.
I am no longer five, watching my parents's wedding tape. And I won't start acting like I am.
I really hope you won't ever think you are not worth it. You are.
You are worth it.
But silence messes me up. It just messes me up and, for that, I have to try the safe path. I can't be the one who needs to forget, anymore. I don't want to.

" I've never heard silence quite this loud".

terça-feira, 18 de janeiro de 2011

Your song.

When I was fourteen, I wrote a love song for you. And, thinking now, ironically, every time you did something that made me happy or sad, I would sing it, at least once. Probably on the shower.
There is not really a reason for me to be telling you this. Truth to be told, the fact is, as time goes by, I see another thing I would do constantly because of you and that I would have never noticed before, and that is the only memorie I have of being in love.
I was actually hurt most of the time I had feelings for you, but the real reason for that is now gone, since the only thing that stayed with me was the fact that, at one point, I truly loved you. Loved you the way I couldn't confess when my sister asked if I had really gone that far with my feelings for you. Loved you the way I would feel happy with you just being near. Loved you like a girl would hope to love a boy.
As Summer would say, life happens and like M. would tell me, people lose themselves. All people. Always. And it's true, no matter what others want to prove you, it just happens. Even so, as I was looking for a necklace the other day, I found a bunch of old papers, all together. There, in the middle of it all, was your song. And in that moment, reading it all over again, laughing at some points and remembering, I realised that, no matter where life takes us, no matter how much life actually happens, every once in a while, we catch ourselves finding something, or hearing a music, or feeling a smell that bring us back something we tought we would never again remember or taste. Its inside of you, its part of you and what you were, and what you can go back to be if you have to.
Your song keeps the past you alive. Keeps all of you alive, even the things I didn't like. Your song remembers me that I can be in love and the things I am able to feel. Your song made me realise that love is not something you rush and it will most likely never make sense. Your song reminds me of what it is to be fifteen and to be in love. Your song keeps what you meant alive inside of me, even if only as a memorie.
Your song was a call to see that, even if we lose ourselves, not everything stays behind.

" Cause every beat is a memorie I should forget..."

Ironic, isn't it?