Time really goes by, hã? Still feels like yesterday to me, something that I can barelly count in my fingers.
I don't know how to use the words. Or letters. Or anything for that matter. And I am deeply sorry if this will make no sense to you, or if at the end you won't actually understand anything I just said. Or why I just said it.
And to tell you the truth, I don't really know why I am doing this after so long. I just feel like I should, cause...well, if I knew the reason for that, I would let you know.
I can't really believe its been so long. I can't look at that old picture of us anymore, cause everytime I do, I feel like sitting in my bed, and keep holding it for as long as I can. Until my hands start hurting. Like something that should have stayed, and that I lost it. That we lost it.
I wish things wouldn't have happened the way they did. I wish the last time we talked, wouldn't have been that way, and that it wouldn't have been the last. I actually wish a lot of things.
I wish time wouldn't have runned the way it did, I wish some things wouldn't have happened. I wish that you were by my side when those things happened.
I wish I hadn't become so broken.
I can’t believe I don’t know how to start this. Or where to go with this. I can’t believe I have this one more wish, and that I have to go against it one more time. One last time. I can’t believe I have to say Goodbye to you. It’s ironic, isn’t it? How things work, how life work. How one moment you can’t stop laughing and in the blink of an eye, you lose track of who you are, or what you have to do. Of who you once were. Who you once wanted to be.
You told me once that Goodbyes don’t actually exist. Cause with goodbye, you let go and you go away. And after that, you simply forget. And nothing should be forgotten. And even though you kind of stole some, big, parts of this from Peter Pan, you changed it and made it your way. You made it your way, because it’s the way you would look at things. The way you would make my day better, when just minutes before everything sucked. The way it made me look for you every time I needed someone.
The thing is, sometimes it doesn’t work the way we want to. And sometimes, when it doesn’t work that way, we just have to go with what we have, and accept it. Say that, okay, I will go with that and in the end, even if it hurts, everything will turn out fine. Or at least we make ourselves believe in that, because it will keep hurting and it won’t go away just because you hope for an end. So, yeah, sometimes, even if we don’t want to, we have to say goodbye.
You need to know, that this is not easy for me, even if I am just writing it down. You need to know I tried my best at not having to say a goodbye. You need to know how much I wanted to end this letter with a ‘See you later’. You need to know why I am doing this. And all I can hope is that at some point, you will also understand.
I was cleaning my closet. I know, cleaning that dangerous thing? What does that have to do with anything? I found your letter. Yes, I kept because even thought it was you saying what I didn’t want to think about, it had you all over it. And that was enough for me to kept it, and every once in a while, read it again. The point is, I hadn’t read it in some time. Okay, actually a very long time. I guess what I am trying to say is that, you know when it comes to a point that something flashes into you suddenly and you feel like so much time has passed and you only came to realize that now? That you let so many things leave without even noticing and that you could have grabbed it with all the force you had and made something of it? Something good. I felt that when I read your letter again. When I read your letter one last time. Because after I sat in my bed, after I read it again, when I finished the last line, I felt something inside of me. Like It was okay again. Like I could go on, and it wouldn’t matter. That it was time to give myself something I lost a long time ago. Another chance. And you know, that it won’t happen until I say goodbye to you. You meant too much, was too much, made too much for me. It’s amazing to think that even after so many years, just reading your goodbye letter you helped me again. Made me realize who I am, what I lost, and what I will keep losing until I give another shot. Another try.
You just can’t help me forever. I have to walk with my own feet, because you are not here anymore, and it’s been this way for a very long time already. I have to prove something, I have to make sure I am capable to keep going, even if it means without you. Even if it means without you, at all.
So here I am. Saying goodbye to yesterday, to that day in the park with you, to the way you would look at me and make me smile, to the hopes of a tomorrow, to you.
There is a moment that we have to let go. I am letting go.
ps: Time is gone, and even if it means a final goodbye, I love you.