And time stops.
Slow and fast, all the same.
You jump into it, as if it's one of those moments you try to live for. No reasons, no second thoughts, no why or how, you are just there, like you hoped you would, even thought you were never able to admit this out loud.
"Don't hold your breath" you hear. "I won't" you say, even knowing you already have.
There is an amount of words stuck inside you, like a friday night where you stayed home, when you should be anywhere else, anywhere but where you were right in that moment.
You were hurt for too long and, when you realised that, more than enough time had passed. There was no more room for anger. There was no more room for hurt. You were tired. You were so tired.
You had to hold your breath. You had to, or else, you wouldn't be able to do what you had to do. To say what you had to say. To look into his eyes and have everything done, no more left overs, no more dreams who would do what you didn't have the guts to, no more 'what ifs'. To be able to do at least one thing, from all the others you had to.
I blamed you for two whole years. I blamed myself longer. I missed you, like I never though I could. I also disliked you, like I never though I could. I tried many times to hate you, with everything I had. I never did. But, at one point, just your name would make me mad. Hurt. You hurt me in a way I wasn't aware I could get hurt. You changed. And this part, I just though you should know. Another thing you should just know, is that you weren't just passion. But truth is that there is really just one more thing I wanted to say to you. Only one thing left to say that, I may admit, I probably ignored.
I should have tried harder, maybe, possibly. We were best friends and I gave up on you. I left you, even though there were many times where I tried to stay. One of those times, I just let go. I still left you. I wasn't there for you, and I was so hurt that I just couldn't keep trying. To me, there was no more risk to take. You deserved better. Maybe, you deserved more chances. Maybe, you deserved a better person to stick for you, with you. Maybe, I shouldn't have cut all contacted we had. Maybe, I should have beem more mature, maybe I shouldn't. There are a lot of maybes in my life, especially when it comes to you. But I stopped blaming myself, and I stopped blaming you. Even blaming became something much bigger than expected. But only time made me see all, and only time put me on my feet and own control again. Here it is, with all we lived together, moments, laughs, sadness, years and years side by side... I am sorry.
I am so sorry.